Remembering Joanne

 We were going “home” for Christmas.

Just like every other year, we were going home for Christmas.  It was Wednesday, the day before Christmas Eve.  I had been worried all week that Lexi and Rick would come down with the flu that had taken Will and I out the weekend before. Wednesday was a hectic day. It was a busy last day at work, yet exciting because I knew I had a week and half off once the clock hit 4:30.  We got home and were trying to get packed up, Rick hitting the grocery store one last time to get the items we had signed up to bring at each Christmas celebration we would be attending.  I was crabby, which tends to happen when I am stressed trying to get packed and make sure I didn’t forget anything, wanting everything to be perfect for Christmas. 

We made it to my dad’s house around 8:00 p.m. and unloaded our vehicles (yes..vehicles)and went to bed.

Christmas Eve morning, we woke up.  The excitement was building.  You see in our family; Santa comes on Christmas Eve.  Always did when I was a kid, and now the tradition continues for our kids.   We passed the time by wrapping last minute gifts that had been shipped to dad’s house, cutting up food and making dips for the night’s snacks, while the kids made a trip to the grocery store with my dad.    The kids also listened to the traditional “The night before Christmas” book that my mom recorded for them before she passed away 5 years ago. 

Christmas Eve Mass was at 5:00 in Leopolis, my childhood church.   This doesn’t always happen as they are part of a 4-parish family, so every year it changes.  My sister Heather and her husband Jim arrived around 3:00 to drop off their food and presents for the celebration we were to have after church. This in itself was a Christmas miracle!  Not only weren’t they late, but they were also two hours early!  We even had time for pictures before church.  We all made our way up to the beautiful church on the hill at 4:30 p.m.  Going to my childhood church on Christmas Eve to see all of the people I grew up with makes my heart feel full.  It was already packed.  I walked up the stairs and was greeted by my “uncle” Darold.  Darold is one of my “Leopolis Dads” and has a smile that reaches right to his eyes.  I met him with a big hug and my heart grew even bigger. 

We made our way up to an empty pew we were hoping we could all fit into.  There were 10 of us, so we tried, but the pew wasn’t quite big enough.  Nine of us squeezed together, Dad having to take a chair at the end of the pew later.  I whispered to my pregnant sister that she shouldn’t have had that last piece of pizza as we were squeezed into that pew like sardines.  The Mass was wonderful.  I had not yet gotten to hear Father Castenada. I loved his accent, the way I could see the kindness in his face and the genuine message he gave.  The Mass was coming to an end, the kid's excitement was growing.  I leaned over to Rick during communion to tell him to text his mom (I had forgotten my phone) that we would be about another 15 minutes or so.  I got the scolding that there was no texting in church.  Father gave his closing remarks, and the congregation went on to sing Happy Birthday to Jesus, followed by, We Wish You a Merry Christmas.  I felt like so happy. I couldn’t wipe the smile from my face, even tearing up a few times because of being so happy, also a few sad tears mixed in missing my mom.  I remember thinking this was the best Christmas since my mom passed and that my Facebook post when I got home would say just that!  Everything was going so well. Little did I realize, around the time we were probably singing those last hymns, my in-laws were experiencing something far worse just a few miles away and our lives were about to be turned upside down.

We all loaded back into our vehicles and headed the mile down the road to my dad’s house.  The kids couldn’t wait to see if Santa had come while we were at church.  Little history….since my mom passed away 5 years ago, we started a new tradition that included Rick’s immediate family.  After church we open presents with my sister and her family and my dad.  At some point while we are opening presents, Rick’s sister and her family will come over, as well as my in-laws.  Once we are finished with presents, we enjoy a meal together and usually play cards.  The kids went running into my dad’s house and secured their spot around the tree.  I remember looking at the presents under the tree.  Each one arranged perfectly.   A far cry from the mess we had before we left.  What a great job Santa had done.  Another big smile, my heart bursting.  Everyone got a drink, made the last-minute bathroom breaks and grabbed a snack or two.  Not nearly fast enough for the kids as there were several times were heard, “come on!” from the living room.  I couldn’t wait to see the kids' faces when they opened a few of their gifts.

We had just sat down when a car pulled in.  Someone said, Grandma and Grandpa are here!  My dad replied, “no, that looks like Jackie and Kyle.”  We welcomed them and made room for them to watch the kids open their presents.  Rick was videotaping. Will had opened a few gifts, including a PS4 he has been desperately wanting for quite some time.  Lexi opened a pair of boots she wasn’t expecting.  The video was still going, laughter and voices filled the room and then my cell phone rang. 

My nephew Kal saw it was Grandma Joanne calling. He stepped out of the room and answered the phone in a joking manner, saying, “such and such a pizza place” expecting to hear Grandma say something like, “very funny Kal.”  A second later, he was standing beside me.  Kal handed the phone to me and said, “Melissa, Grandpa wants to talk to you.”  I looked at the phone, thinking this was odd and said, “hello?”

This next part is hazy, but this is how I think I remember the conversation going.

I wasn’t greeted with Ron’s voice, instead another strange voice said, “Melissa?” This is so and so from Tigerton Ambulance.  Your in-laws have been in a car accident on D and 29.  We are transporting them to Shawano Medical Center.  I think I said, “o.k…Are they O.K.?”  He replied that my father-in-law had a cut to his head, and he wasn’t with my mother-in-law.  I replied, “We will meet you there.”  This is where the video ends. 

I hung up the phone and said to a now almost quiet room, “There has been an accident.” I relayed what I had been told.  I couldn’t wrap my head around the phone call as I got up to get my shoes on.  We were in the middle of opening presents on Christmas Eve.  Things like this didn’t happen while you are in the middle of opening presents on Christmas Eve.  We tried to reassure the kids we would be back soon, and they should go ahead and eat while we were gone.  Jackie, Kyle and Kal hopped in their vehicle and Rick, and I followed behind in ours.  My dad and sister and her family stayed behind with the kids, along with my niece Leighten.

That was the longest ride ever.  I kept talking, trying to keep it light because I could see how worried Rick was.  I am not good in these situations; I don’t know what to say.  I joked that Joanne was not going to be happy if her “raw dog” and shrimp were ruined in the accident.  Annual snacks she brought to the Christmas Eve get together.  Eventually he wasn’t answering me anymore, so I just stayed silent. We were a few miles outside of Shawano and I was playing the conversation of the first responder over in my head.  All of the sudden, it dawned on me.  He was trying to find a way of putting me off about my mother-in-law’s condition, so he didn’t have to tell me over the phone.  I started to say out loud, but in a soft whisper so Rick didn’t hear me, “no..no..no..no..you put her back..do you hear me?  You put her back!”  I remember hoping I was wrong.  My nerves were about to explode…when would we be there? 

We pulled into the parking lot, meeting up with Jackie, Kyle and Kal and made our way over to the emergency entrance.  As we were getting out of the car, we saw the helicopter starting up.  Panic was starting to take over.  I saw two police officers standing at the entrance.  “Is that my mother-in-law in that helicopter?”  They seemed confused.  “You mean from the accident one of them said?”  “Yes, I said, is that my mother-in-law in that helicopter?”  “There is a male in that helicopter?”  I don’t remember what I said after that, but I was getting nowhere with them so we went into the hospital and explained who we were.  The woman working at the front desk went to check.  We were trying to figure out if Ron was in the helicopter when Kyle spoke up and said it was probably the person in the other vehicle.  That made sense, there would be another vehicle.  Another quick prayer, please let that person be o.k.

The woman at the front desk checked and said that the officer that was on the scene had arrived and would give us an update shortly. A woman police officer came out of the emergency doors a minute later and asked us to follow her down a hallway to a private room.  My heart raced faster.  Cursing myself for not being more positive, but a private room is never a place you want to be led by an officer.  I am sure we all had the look of fear on our faces.  The female officer and a male officer joined her and stood in the room while we sat (or at least I think we sat?).  Again, I am not sure on the exact words spoken after they established who was who, but I think it went something like this…

“Your father has a laceration to his head and is currently being examined.”  “Your mother’s injuries were too severe, and she did not survive.” The room erupted.  I remember dropping from the stool I was sitting on in disbelief…even though I had that thought just minutes earlier, it was still too hard to accept.  Not Joanne, she is the hub of our family, it can’t be Joanne.  This part is blurry.  I have memories of Rick just sitting on a stool, head in his hands.  Jackie, to upset for words.  My nephew Kal, 19, with his hood over his head, in a corner crying and saying “no” over and over.  My sister-in-law Jackie kept pacing back and forth outside of the room saying, “it is too much, it is just too much, I can’t do this.”  It was absolutely heartbreaking.  To lose this important person on Christmas, Jackie was right, it was just too much.

They gave us a few minutes to try and take in what they had just told us.  I didn’t know what to do, what to say.  I know what I wanted to do…run, just freaking run from what they had just told us.  I wanted to punch or kick a hole in the wall.  Why was this happening?  How could this be happening?  I didn’t know how to cope or comfort my family.  I went from person to person, trying to console. There are no words you can use to console. I know this from losing my mom.  I do better trying to take care of everyone else, if I sit still, I will have to let the pain sink in, and it was just too great of a pain to let sink in.  How the fuck did we get here.  It is Christmas.  Best Christmas in a long time.   

The police officers return. They are wondering if we would like them to call a funeral home for us.  I try to talk to Rick to see if he has a preference, he tells me he is not able to think about this.   I try Jackie, again, she is to overcome as well.  I wait a bit and then try again, but know they are waiting for an answer.  It is just too soon to try and make a decision like this.  Finally, I ask, “where is she, is she here?”  I am told in a quiet/sad manner that she is still at the accident scene. I know now why they need an answer.  I asked if Ron knew Joanne had passed away.  She told me that he had been told but was asking some of the same questions over and over, so he had to be told several times and she wasn’t sure he was comprehending the information completely. 

 A short time later the ER doctor came in to give us an update.  He starts by saying that he has bad news. We all just look at each other like, oh my gosh…what are Ron’s injuries?  How much bad news can we handle?  He tells us Ron will undergo a scan to look for internal injuries.   At some point during this conversation, he also tells us that Joanne did not survive.  Oddly, we are relieved we are hearing the horrible news again instead of more bad news.  Communication between the doctor and police officer might have been beneficial. I don’t get mad because I am relieved Ron’s injuries are not life threatening at this point.  We probably should be mad.  Again I ask if Ron knows Joanne is gone.  The doctor tells us that he does now understand and is upset. 

He comes back with the scan results.  The doctor goes on to explain Ron’s injuries.  He has a lacerated kidney.  They prefer to just watch it for now.  Generally, when you go in to try and stop a bleed on a kidney, you just end up ruining it and it needs to be replaced.  You can live with one kidney, but they are hopeful it can be saved.  We are told a transfusion can take place before removing the kidney.  He talks of transporting Ron to Theda Clark once they get the results of the scan he will be getting. 

While Ron is undergoing the scan, we think it best to drive back to Leopolis to tell the kids.  They have been texting and waiting patiently for an update.  Obviously, we cannot tell them anything over the phone.   Before we leave, I try calling Joanne’s brother Ken in Florida.  Rick isn’t sure he can tell him, so he asks me to call.  There is no answer, so I text him to call us when he is free.  Kyle and I drive back to my dad’s house.  We pull in and I see Lexi with her face plastered to the patio door to see who it is.  We had quickly discussed what we would say as we get out of the car.  We came in through the back door and came into the dining room/kitchen to a room full of worried faces.  No other way to do this, than just to say it like we have been told.  Grandpa is going to be O.K., he has some cuts to his head.  Grandma did not survive her injuries.  It was so heartbreaking having to tell my kids, my family, my niece and watching them go through this again after having to go through it just five years ago.  It just wasn’t fair.  Will, 9, cried and cried. I didn’t know what to say to him, all I could do was hold him.  After some time had passed, I said to him, “you know how good at Grandma is at organizing a party, well it is Jesus’ birthday, he must have needed her to assist in helping him with his party.”  Lexi, 13, looked like she was in shock. She had one lone tear that came down her cheek.  She just stood there, staring at me with that tear and her mouth open slightly.  It was heartbreaking.  Watching my niece Leighten, 17, and the pain on her face while she hugged her dad…. again, Jackie was right, it was just too much.   Lexi told me she hated Christmas.  I didn’t blame her. 

I was blessed to have two mothers in my 40 years.  I met Rick in 1991.  I was a sophomore, and he was a senior, just like Ron and Joanne when they met in high school.  I was a bit more of a party girl than their Rick who was straight A’s and perfect at every sport he played.  I remember her always being nice to me though.  As the years went on and we became more serious, she accepted me as part of the family.  I loved hanging out with her; we had a ton of fun over the years.    Joanne was a major part of my life for 24 years.   When my own mom passed away, I was lucky enough to still have Joanne. She was always a great mother-in-law and grandmother, but when the kids lost my mom, she did everything she could to do the work of two grandmas.  What can I do? How can I help?  She was ALWAYS there for us.  I can remember my sister saying to me on several occasions when we were sad about losing our mom; “well at least you have Joanne”.  She was right.  If my own mother wasn’t here, at least I still had someone that was like my mom that I could call, hang out with and that loved my kids unconditionally.  I took comfort in that. 

How could God take both of my kids' grandmas at such a young age?  Mom at 59 and Joanne at 64?  Don’t forget Dad getting cancer in between there.  Did he like to fill my heart up, make it feel whole at times like on Christmas Eve and then just blast it into pieces by taking another person I cared about?    People that leave huge holes in our lives. 

After making a few phone calls while we were at my dad’s house to let some of our family know what happened, Kyle and I headed back to the hospital.  When we were getting close, Rick called and said they were transporting Ron to Neenah.  While we were gone the coroner also came.  He told Rick and Jackie that he thought Joanne had died instantly. Rick and Jackie were able to see Ron while we were gone too.  After meeting back up at the hospital, we all headed back to my dad’s house.  Kyle and Kal came in.  I saw Will instantly run to Kal and hug him.  Rick said he wanted to stay the night with his dad in the hospital. I had a choice to make. Leave my kids on Christmas Eve after telling them their Grandma was gone or let my husband drive an hour by himself after just losing his mother.  It was a lose, lose situation.  My dad, sister and husband encouraged me to go with Rick.  They said they would have a big slumber party and take care of the kids.  I didn’t want to leave my kids, but knew they would be taken care of.  I went into the bedroom to quick change out of my dress clothes and put on something more comfy for the ride and long night ahead.  Things were starting to sink in.  I was having a hard time trying to stay strong.  I was trying to talk to my sister and change at the same time and eventually was talking through tears.  It was so hard to believe.  How could she be gone?  We shouldn’t be driving to Theda Clark on Christmas Eve!  Jackie and her family went home.  We hugged everyone in our family and headed out.

The ride actually didn’t seem like it took quite as long as the original ride to Shawano, even though it was longer.  Word was spreading after the phone calls we made, and I had been answering messages and answered a few phone calls, which passed time.  I remember my friend Jamie calling me and we couldn’t even understand a word at first, just sobbing together. 

We arrived at the hospital.  You had to wait in a vestibule and use a phone to call the front desk to let them know why you were there before you were allowed to enter.  There were a few women with a child in front of us.  They made the call and were granted entry.  We went in on their coattails.  Rick said, do you think we should wait?  Although I was extremely polite, I wasn’t about waiting tonight and was sure they would understand.  There was a woman at the desk that asked if she could help us.  I told her our father was here.  She gave me the nod like she knew exactly who we were and the sad expression she knew that we had lost our mother.  She directed us to a family room.  Rick instantly looked at me and said, what now?  I tried to calm him by saying that they were probably just examining him and we had to wait until they had him settled.  Soon a man came in. I can’t remember his name. I should, because he was very kind and talked to us several times throughout the night.  He was a family counselor and was aware of our delicate situation.  He told us that he had just been with Ron.  He expressed his sympathy to us and told us that in the short time he was with Ron, he had learned that Ron had started dating Joanne when she was a sophomore and he was a senior and he had learned much about their life.  He tried to keep us updated on what was going on behind the door.

 Soon after a doctor came in. The doctor introduced himself, saying he was in charge of Ron’s head injuries.  He said that he had just stitched up his cuts and that he was confident that as far as his head injuries went, Ron was going to be o.k.  This doctor was releasing him from his care and turning the care over to a doctor who would concentrate on his internal injuries.  Both of these doctors were on call. The second, the internal injury doctor had not arrived yet, but would soon.  So many people’s Christmas’ touched by our tragedy. 

While we were waiting on this second doctor, we were allowed to go in and see Ron.  Rick had seen him in Shawano, but I had not seen him yet.  When we walked in, he was in an emergency type room, he seemed so small on that stretcher in that room.  His eyes were closed until we started talking.  The pain on his face, the hurt when he opened them was heartbreaking.  We held his hands while tears slipped down the sides of his face.  During the stay in that room, the gentleman counselor that had greeted us came in a few times, as well as the on call internal injury doctor had arrived.  He explained that he had reviewed the scans.  He indicated that surgery was not needed, but they wanted to admit Ron for a few days to keep an eye on the internal bleeding.  From there we are taken to a room that Ron will spend a few days in on Floor 6.  The initial nurse that gets Ron settled into his room is so nice.  She asks if we are spending the night and says she can bring in a couple of reclining chairs. I tell her not to worry about us, just about Ron.  She thinks we should have at least one in case we want to sleep.  After the chair is brought in, she turns down the lights and Rick climbs into the chair beside his dad.  I am sitting in a chair on the opposite side watching them. I turn on the t.v.  Even though I can’t see it because it is behind me, it provides some light.  I watch Ron drift off to sleep.  There is no doubt he is reliving the night in his dreams almost right away.  His face contorts, his head moves from side to side and he makes noises every once in awhile.  Since he and Rick are trying to sleep, I go out to the family waiting room down the hall as I know I won’t be sleeping tonight. It is about midnight. 

I bring a pillow with me and cuddle up on the couch with it in a sitting position and cry. I cry for sadness of it all. I cry for the loss of Joanne, I cry that I am in a hospital by myself on Christmas Eve, I cry because I miss my kids, I cry because I am sad for my family, I just cry.  Over the next few hours, I just stare out the window, sit on my phone and continue to cry.  Although I am down the hall a bit from the nurses' station, I still have several that approach me and ask if I am o.k. and if I need anything. (Water, blanket, etc.)  They were so wonderful.  I try to smile when they talk to me and thank them for their kindness.

I walk down and check on Ron and Rick a few times throughout the night.  As the night goes on, I slouch further and further on the couch, finally laying down.  I figure if no one else has sat on the couch up until this point, I can hog it for a little while.  I just lay there waiting for daylight.  Daylight.  Christmas Day.   Jesus’ birthday.  Kids waking up all over the world excited that Santa has come.  It just makes me sadder.  I don’t think I slept, but maybe dozed a few minutes here and there.  At 6 a.m., the shift was changing, and nurses were going home.  You could see the excitement on their faces.  One particular nurse, that had also been so kind to me in the night, came over and covered me up with a warm blanket.  She had her coat on and was heading out to be with her family (that is what I assumed in my head) and still took the time to cover me up.  I smiled at her, and she said, “Hang in there. It will get better. I have been there.”  I wished her a Merry Christmas as she walked away.  I knew our Christmas would be far from Merry, but genuinely hers would be great.

I had asked Rick earlier in the night if we should put something out on social media before anything was posted so our friends and family that hadn’t yet been notified would hear it from us and not read about it.  He said he thought we should wait until morning.  Once we had started receiving messages in the morning, I posted a quick note after talking with Jackie about it.  I can remember talking to a few of my friends that morning and not hardly even being able to talk at first, both of us just crying on each end of the phone.  The loss had affected so many of our family and friends.  It was just such a shock. 

Rick and I waited for Jackie, Kyle and the kids to arrive at the hospital around lunchtime. Rick and I left the hospital while they stayed with Ron. We drove back to Little Falls to see if we could find a will. We weren’t sure if Joanne wanted to be cremated or not. I can remember walking in the house and just trying to memorize how everything was frozen in time. The mold for the raw dog she had made to bring for Christmas Eve was sitting in the drying rack, there were snacks out on the table ready for the kids to eat Christmas morning. I saw some presents under the tree and thought to myself, she did a good job of not spoiling the kids too much this year! Soon after I would find another stack of presents, she had in another room. I laughed out loud. Oddly at a time like this, I took some pictures on my phone just so I would always remember. I take a lot of pictures if you are new here. :)

Rick headed back to the hospital, and I went to see the kids. My sister and dad had taken them to a family Christmas get together on my mom’s side of the family. After I picked up the kids and the family get together was over, we went back to my sister’s house. My childhood friends Jenny and Tracy came over, my Leopolis girls. Always there for me and comforting to be around people I loved. I hadn’t yet slept and was going on 36 hours without any. 

The next few days were a blur. Ron was able to come home after a few days but was not ready to go to his house. We all stayed at my sister and brother-in-law’s house for the week. Ron was pretty sore and sleeping a lot. Of course, we had to meet with the funeral home, and we also needed to retrieve Ron and Joanne’s items from their totaled vehicle. My husband Rick and his sister did not want to see the vehicle. I volunteered. I was never able to see Joanne after the accident and we decided on cremation for the funeral, so I guess I just needed some closure, something to make it real, as strange as that sounds. 

My dad was a police officer for most of his life, then later becoming Sheriff. He volunteered to come to clean out the vehicle with me. When we arrived, the gentleman directing us said that the vehicle might be hard to see. This didn’t seem to even phase my cop father who put on gloves and headed in with a box in tow. I hesitated for a moment wondering what I would see and would never be able to unsee, but I had come this far, I was going in.

Before I started cleaning anything out and looking for Ron’s glasses and wallet, I sat in the car and took it all in. I could see in the far back of the vehicle, the dishes to pass they were bringing to Christmas Eve. The raw dog and a present for my dad tipped over. In the front seat, the airbags (side and front) had been deployed and I could see the accident happen in slow motion in my head by the evidence left in the vehicle. The other car hitting the passenger side door, Joanne flying into Ron, the vehicle coming to rest at the bottom of the hill into a tree. Ron climbing to the top of the hill to meet the paramedics, telling them it looked like Joanne was sleeping.  

The funeral was hard of course. It was around New Years. My nephew Kal and husband Rick both did a great eulogy. The funeral director said he had never seen so many flowers at one funeral. Ron was able to make it to the funeral, taking a few breaks still being very weak. We wore colorful shoes in her honor, as she always had the best tennis shoes. 

It was a tough start to the year. I carried a ton of guilt. You see, those beautifully placed presents mentioned that were arranged while we were in church by “Santa? You guessed it. It was the first time I had ever asked them to help out with this. After “Santa” arranged them, they decided to drive around until we got home from church to not arouse any suspicion. That is when tragedy struck. We had just argued about it hours before when Joanne called that morning to talk to the kids. I said, “Just wait in the car in the driveway, like you just arrived at my dad’s house,” She refused. If you knew my mother-in-law, you knew I wasn’t going to win that argument. She ended the conversation telling the kids she couldn’t wait to see them that night (Christmas Eve) and that she loved them. 

When I first saw Ron at the hospital I spoke about previously, I apologized to him for asking them to come to my dad’s house early. He assured me it wasn’t my fault, but it will take time to accept that. I know that if my sister-in-law asked my mother-in-law to do something for her and the accident happened during that errand, I would never hold it against anyone. An accident is an accident, but I couldn’t convince myself what I would tell anyone else. 

I wrote most of the above seven years ago. When my mom was sick 12 years ago with cancer, I had written updates most days on a CaringBridge site. The writing seemed to be almost therapeutic, so I tried it again when Joanne died. I didn’t decide to share it until this year. I am mostly doing it to print and remember, tell Joanne’s story. We miss her every single day. It does get better with time, but sometimes it sure feels like your heart will break. Unfortunately, we lost my sister-in-law Jackie three years after we lost Joanne. 

As I spoke about earlier, Joanne was a wonderful Grandmother. She would do anything for those kids. The kids often remember their favorite foods that she made like chocolate chip cookies, Christmas cookies, potato salad, and dill dip. Her laugh was contagious, and she had a ton of friends that she met bartending at the family bar. 

I have only had one sign from Joanne since she passed. Before the accident, I had really liked a certain song and I can remember singing it on the way to my dad’s house for Christmas. After the accident, I kept playing that song over and over. I wasn’t sure why, maybe because it reminded me of happier times. Anyway, my niece Leighten had made it to state track that summer. Joanne had gone previously and would always bring the snacks which included cheese and sausage, which we would enjoy with an ice-cold Diet Mountain Dew. Lexi, her friend Grace and I had gone to our vehicle to take a break from the heat. I carried on the tradition and broke out the cheese, sausage and diet dew as we enjoyed the air conditioning. As I started to eat and drink, that song I had been obsessed with after she died came on. It wasn’t played on the radio much, and to me it was a sign she was there cheering Leighten on with us.